Sunday, February 28, 2010

Now and never again

Scrambling and hurrying
For obscure and fleeting moments
We wear ourselves down
And grow blind to the beauty
Of languid gazing,
Insensate to quiet breathing,
And deaf to
Profound listening.
Contemplate the now
That will never come again
And wonder at
The miracle of your presence.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

How to Turn on Your Television in Ten Straight-forward Steps

For a fifty-something person, it is mildly daunting to decide to watch television on your new large HD screen and find that there are at least four remotes to choose from to get to where you want to go. So here is my strategy:
1. Pick up the first remote and push buttons randomly to see if anything happens.
2. Pick up the second remote and push even more vigorously.
3. Pick up the third remote and repeat above two steps.
4. Pick up fourth remote and repeat above first two steps. It is harder now because you can't see the buttons through your tears of frustration, and your hands are trembling.
5. Take all four remotes to the first person under 30 that you can find.
6. Don't let them have them. Make them come with you to the television and tell you which buttons to push.
7. Make them explain why.
8. Make them show you how to get closed captions.
9. Forget everything.
10. Next time, start again at the top of the list.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Why Being a Pessimist Helps Me Cope

I don't like being a pessimist. I wish my mind worked differently. But it doesn't. However there are some distinct advantages to always expecting the worst to happen.
1. Most of the time it doesn't.
2. I will be ready for anything.
3. I've planned all your funerals many times over already, (after your tragic, sudden and unexpected death) so when things need to get decided, I'll have a plan in hand already. If you have song requests, I can accommodate you with early notification.
4. Happy things become such wonderful surprises,
5. and sad things are no surprise at all.
6. I can laugh at the times to come because someone once said, "Comedy is tragedy plus time." It might be Woody Allen, but I can't confirm that.
7. Planning what to do when the worst (which never happens) happens provides many hours of concentrated entertainment.
8. I get to be the heroine in all my imagined tragedies.
9. When bad things happen, I can be calm because I saw it coming.
10. My one hope is heaven, and I sure as hell intend to get there.